THE VERBALLY ABUSIVE MAN by Patricia Evans

Author:Patricia Evans
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: epub, ebook
Publisher: F+W Publications, Inc.
Published: 2006-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

PREAGREEMENT STEPS

Not knowing whether your mate will improve or become so detached from himself and the real issues that he becomes violent, I recommend that you try to take the following specific steps before writing up your Agreement.

1. Integrate as much information about verbal abuse as you can.

Review the previous chapters and read other books on verbal abuse so the preliminary information is well integrated in your psyche. This will make it much easier for you to present the Agreement and to respond to any violations. You benefit if you have done everything you can to gain clarity about your situation, and know that you have the means to stop or leave the emotional pain and mental anguish verbal abuse creates.

2. Get support.

Your best strategy for support is to tell what you are doing, and why, to all supportive and trustworthy relatives, friends, counselors, professionals, and members of any religious community to which you belong. Then, if your mate becomes vicious or violent, you’ll have the support you need. Although the Agreement will be drafted in a nonaccusatory style, one never knows how anyone will react to it.

3. Make a list.

To write the Agreement, you will need to have a list of as many verbally abusive statements as you can recall. These are the things you have heard from your mate in his attempts to define you. Appendix A lists common defining statements, some of which you might have heard from him. Look over the lists with this question in mind: “Has he said this to me?” You will then be able to make a comprehensive list of the abusive comments that you have heard from your mate. You will be using these statements as examples in your Agreement, so include all that you’ve heard, as well as other similar ones that might not be in the appendix.

4. Find a time and a place to prepare.

If you don’t have a computer, you will need to plan where and when you will type up and print two copies of the Agreement. It is fairly simple and best done on a computer so you can print it for the presentation and e-mail it to your mate, if he has e-mail, so that he may add to it. If you don’t have access to your own computer, I recommend that you write the Agreement, then type and print two copies at a full-service copy center where you can use the computer for a nominal fee and can make a digital copy for future reference. One printed copy is for you to keep, and one you will give to your abuser, but only after you have read the Agreement to him.

Basically, you’re going to write up the Agreement and present it to your verbally abusive man. You will agree to sign the Agreement after you review any input from him. In other words, you’re going to sign the Agreement even if you didn’t indulge in verbally abusive behavior. You must never, however, sign anything you don’t agree to; if there is anything you or your mate cannot agree to, you both cross it out.

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